Episode Guide
Jean Smart as Romance novelist Elinore "Ellie" Walker
Mary McDonnell as publishing mogul Dorothy "Dott" Emerson
with
David Rasche as Dott's unwanted partner, Peter
Luigi Amodeo as Dott's assistant, Stephano
Dan O'Donahue as Brendan Emerson, Dott's son
Faith Prince as old college roommate, Val Brumberg (first 6 episodes)
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Neurotic Ellie feels threatened when Val, an frumpy old friend and rival from college, leaves her husband and arrives in Manhattan with plans to move in with Dott. Ellie threatens to switch publishers if Dott doesn't get rid of her, but her resentment is tempered when she learns that Val is pregnant and raising the child alone.
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: Kevin Light (waiter)
WHOSE SON IS IT ANYWAY? -November 6, 1995
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Iris Dugow
Dott starts to worry that Val is taking over the maternal place in her son Brendan's life when the two start spending quality time together. In an effort to win him back, Dott and Ellie try to cook him a meal --- which results in the ladies having to actually go into the kitchen. Unable to understand the directions in the recipe book, the two end up drunk and sitting in the dual kitchen sink --- with the chicken between them in drag. Meanwhile both Ellie and Stephano do everything they can to get Ellie's hunky bodyguard, Wolf, to seduce them.
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: Timothy Elwell (Wolf)
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY -November 13, 1995
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Stan Daniels
In an attempt to get Val out of her life, Ellie calls Val's ex-husband Mitchell and tells him that she is pregnant. Ellie sends a car for Mitchell, who shows up begging Val's forgiveness and actually wins her back. But soon after he arrives, Mitchell makes a play for Ellie. Dott forces Ellie to tell Val about the Mitchell's pass, but the ladies fear that Val may not believe her, so Ellie makes plans to convince her --- in her own special way.
Guest cast: Robert Clohessy (Mitchell Brumberg)
DOLCE AND G'BYE NOW -November 20, 1995
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Iris Dugow
Plans for a luncheon in Ellie's honor go awry when Stephano shows up in the same designer outfit as Ellie. Both refuse to change, and after a wave of insults, Ellie throws wine on Stephano --- ruining his ensemble and prompting him to quit. Desperate to get Stephano back and knowing only an apology from Ellie will do it, Dott hires Val as his replacement --- sending Ellie into a tailspin. Perky Val drives everyone insane, and --- after being unable to get into the best restaurants and receiving day-old stale gossip --- Ellie agrees to apologize to Stephano if she can be the one to fire Val. Dott reluctantly gives in, but Val resigns to take another job before Ellie gets her moment of triumph.
TOMB WITH A VIEW -November 27, 1995
Written by: Lisa Albert
Directed by: Iris Dugow
After the death of one of Alice's neighbors, Ellie tries to get an apartment in her stuffy rich building. She thinks that her first interview with the membership committee goes very well until she discovers that they only agreed to meet with her for a hearty laugh. Now even more determined to get into the building, Ellie takes lessons from Dott on how to be a "congested old fart" and returns --- only to accidentally kill the chairman's beloved dog by feeding it chocolate. Ironically --- after all that --- Stephano is able to get her the apartment with one phone call.
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: (Credits Unavailable)
THE NAKED AND THE DEADLINE -December 4, 1995
Written by: Marc Flanagan
Directed by: Iris Dugow
The deadline has arrived for Ellie's new manuscript, and Dott gets the shock of her life when she finds out Ellie is blocked. Dott tries everything she can to bring her out of it --- including an Eastern herbalist, setting up computers all over the house, and even offering up a muscle-bound stud as incentive. After nothing works, Ellie decides it's time to give up writing, but Dott realizes that Ellie isn't herself when she doesn't make a pass at her son and actually starts singing with Val. Desperate to get her friend back, Dott makes one last effort --- setting up a public confrontation between Ellie and her arch rival Tippi Von Schlaugger.
(This episode was obviously aired out of order and should have run prior to Dolce and G'Bye Now. Val still has longer hair, and Ellie mentions taking a pre-Thanksgiving trip. This was also the last episode to air with Val --- her character's disappearance never being explained).
Guest cast: Lisa Banes (Tippi Von Schlaugger) (Credits Unavailable)
FINNIGAN'S RAINBOW -December 11, 1995
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Iris Dugow
Peter brings in motivational speaker Mark Finnigan to meet with Dott about a publishing deal, but Dott and Mark end up in a whirlwind romance --- culminating in marriage plans. Meanwhile, Ellie goes to great lengths to get her name in the tabloids --- including anonymously phoning in that she is a hermaphrodite who got herself pregnant and pelting Kate Moss with jelly donuts at a fashion show.
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: Barry Bostwick (Motivational Speaker Mark Finnigan) (Credits Unavailable)
WE OUGHT TO BE IN PICTURES -December 18, 1995
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Iris Dugow
It's off to Hollywood after a Alvin Spalding (HS's punch at Aaron Spelling) buys the rights to one of Ellie's novels for a television movie. Having given up creative control, Ellie is devastated to find that he has re-written her whole novel and publicly slams the production --- until of course the ladies are offered walk-on roles in the film. Dott hires them both a renowned acting coach, but the ladies make spectacles of themselves at the filming --- doing their beach scene in formal gowns, Ellie making out on the set with one of the stars, and adding their own outrageously inappropriate dialogue --- causing their scene to basically be cut.
Guest cast: Stephanie Beacham (Stella, the acting coach), Donna Mills (Actress Jaqualeane Seymore Winters), Jon Polito (Hollywood Mogul Alvin Spalding), Nancy Cassaro (Paula Doe, the director), Joel Beeson (Kirby Cox), Cynthia Kania (Warner Bros. Security Guard), Thomas Brader (Guy)
NIP AND TUCK -January 15, 1996
Written by: Lisa Albert and Marc Flanagan
Directed by: Iris Dugow
After finding out that Ellie and Dott have been selected for a photo spread in Dazzle Magazine featuring famous long-term friendships, Alice implies that it's time for the ladies to consider facelifts. After realizing that their old pictures would be accompanying their new ones, Dott and Ellie consult a surgeon --- who plays on their vanity and gets them to check into the hospital immediately.
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: Bronson Pinchot (Dr. Arthur Zipkin), (Nurse Frederika Schnick) (Credits Unavailable)
ALICE DOESN'T PUMP HERE ANYMORE -January 22, 1996
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Iris Dugow
Dott and Ellie return from a luncheon to find her building's Hispanic doorman, Pedro, running around her apartment in his boxer shorts. After overcoming the language barrier, Dott discovers that Pedro has been upstairs having sex with her mother --- who suffered a heart attack. The experience makes Dott realize how much her mother means to her and, despite Alice's pleas to be allowed to go home, Dott smothers her and forces her to stay. Alice begs Ellie for help, and the two plot to get her out of the house.
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: Erik Estrada (Pedro, the building doorman) (Credits Unavailable)
TOUCHING UP YOUR ROOTS
-February 5, 1996
Written by: Pat Dougherty
Directed by: Iris Dugow
A publicity campaign launching Ellie's new novel has her agreeing to a contest where she spends a week with the winners. She gets a major shock when she finds out that the winners are her countrified parents --- but not near the shock she gets when they tell her she's adopted.
Guest cast: Doris Roberts (Hazel), Paul Dooley (Mel), Kathleen Sullivan (herself), Montel Landis (waiter)
I FOUND MY THRILL ON NANCY GARVER HILL -February 12, 1996
Written by: Lisa Albert and Marc Flanagan
Directed by: Ellen Gittelsohn
Dott and Peter try to prevent Ellie from finding out that they are meeting with her professional rival, romance novelist Nancy Garver Hill. Dott is amazed to find out that Nancy Garver Hill is actually classless Chuck Rooney, but can do nothing about it since she has already signed a confidentiality agreement. Things get sticky when Ellie shows up at the meeting and her attention is diverted by her lust for Chuck. An affair ensues, and Dott is forced to tell Ellie Chuck's other identity --- which does not go over well. But before Ellie can extract her revenge, the ladies must find a way to get Chuck to reveal himself to Ellie so he doesn't sue Dott for violating the confidentiality agreement.
Guest cast: Tom Arnold (Chuck Rooney/novelist Nancy Garver Hill)
(Credits Unavailable)
THE FAMILY JEWELS -February 26, 1996
Written by: Daniel Margosis and Robert Horn
Directed by: Iris Dugow
After Ellie's apartment is burglarized and the ladies are tied up, Ellie gets to witness the genuine concern and mother/son bond between Dott and Brendan. Determined to feel that bond, Ellie decides she wants to have a baby --- even showing how serious she is by giving up her booze, pills, and cigarettes. Dott and Ellie start interviewing prospective fathers, and Dott then offers to baby-sit a neighbor's baby in order to give Ellie practice as a mother. Ellie starts to imagine what her future will be like........... Also, after their jewelry is returned by the police, the ladies discover that they have been accidentally given Elizabeth Taylor's black pearls.
(Elizabeth Taylor was tied into this episode through a series of events that ran through the night's entire line-up of CBS comedies to promote her new perfume Black Pearls; in The Nanny, Liz Taylor gives her black pearls to Fran Drescher (to have them cleaned maybe?), who in turn loses them in a cab driven by Rosie O'Donnell. When we next see the cab, in Nancy McKeon's Can't Hurry Love, there's a different driver who demands more money than Nancy and her friend have. As they dig in the seat for money, they find the black pearls. Nancy wears them to the policeman's ball, but then they fly off while she's doing the Whirling Carlucci. The thief that's seen in High Society grabs them and ducks out the doorway. Next, Liz Taylor shows up briefly on Murphy Brown to advertise that her pearls are missing, leading up to High Society, where the police accidentally mix in the pearls when they return Ellie and Dott's jewelry --- prompting Elizabeth Taylor's voice-over as "her" arm reaches in a grabs back her pearls. At the very end, Rosie O'Donnell is in her cab laughing and twirling the string of pearls.)
Special Guest Star: Jayne Meadows as Alice Morgan-DuPont-Sutton-Cushing-Ferruke
Guest cast: Elizabeth Taylor as herself (voice-over), Simon Templeman (the burglar), Lawrence A. Mandley (the cop), Steve Mateo (Carlos), Justin Klentner (Trent), Paul Keeley (Brad), Kenneth Ryan (Steve), Steve Lyon (Victor), Michelle Blakely (Nellie, Ellie's daughter in dream sequence)
